This morning I woke up and cried. ?
It always just all falls right into place and not one second of one day do I stop feeling so incredibly grateful for how it is all turning out.
I so vividly remember the me, sitting in the basement apartment running numbers, sorting out schedules – trying to manage my school schedule, the kids’ sports, doctors, dentist, the 2 kids I nanny’d for scheduled – and how could I just somehow make it all work?
For 35 years I lived with my lips barely breaking the surface gasping for air, feet kicking and kicking trying to keep the oxygen source open.
Stood in welfare lines.
Asked coaches to give me a break on the sport fee.
Took anti depressants.
Anti anxiety meds.
Took out student loans terrified I’d never make it all work.
Carried laundry up and down crooked winding dirt stairs to the car to the laundry – in the rain, snow, dark… while pregnant.
Dragged barrels of trash up the stairs and tried to balance it in my trunk to drive to the end of the driveway while it often spilled everywhere and then pick it up while sobbing.
All the while … I read, studied, went to therapy, worked out the beatings, the sexual traumas, the suicide attempts…. the brokenness in my family, the pain my children had suffered…
Ever so slowly beginning to consider that people may be innately good, the world may not be the dark horror show I had always known it to be.
Watching myself, I began to see that I was smart… smarter even than all the people with the endless stupid blond jokes.
I began to see that I was fucking strong. Really fucking strong. I became aware that the traumas I had suffered were not normal, and that I was truly incredible for making it through the 30 years of non stop nightmares.
I was becoming untouchable. I found my voice. Found forgiveness and compassion. I found softness. I found knowledge and gained wisdom.
I began to understand that it was in my defenselessness that my power really grew.
And I began the journey of being a healing presence to the very people that had hurt me.
This week I did something that I would have NEVER EVER thought I’d ever be able to do. I would have judged it and definitely would have been scared I’d get hurt. It doesn’t feel good to share what it was, but damn does it feel good! This morning I cried tears of joy…. that I feel safe now.
I feel safe in this WORLD.
I feel safe in public.
I feel safe with men.
I feel safe alone.
I even feel safe on this fkg dark ass mountain at night ????
It’s not that I don’t have moments of feeling like bad things will still happen… it’s simply that my core belief is that people are good…. and THAT prevails every time now.
I don’t know that I can provide words to describe what it feels like inside- to come from such utter darkness to a place of lightness and safety…
If I had to describe it, I’d say it feels like … like going from lips barely breaking the surface your entire life and knowing nothing else… to all of a sudden lifting up out of the cold dark raging ocean waters of sharks and dangers into a beautiful 80 degree sunny day, rocking in my rocking chair, sipping coffee, with birds, flowers and rainbows everywhere… and a powerful safe man wrapping his arms around me from behind.
And …. tears of joy streaming down my face.
And my prevailing thought this morning is…. Mandy, what can you say to those who are stuck in the cold water gasping for air? How can you let them know that it really does get better.
You know who you are.
The one who just wont quit.
You just keep going.
Learning, growing, working, praying….
But it feels like the pressure and hardship will never end…
There is only one thing I have to say this morning…
You lock into that vision you have for your life and your kids life like it’s heroine to a junkie…. and you just keep fkg going. ONE MORE STEP. You can’t imagine the amazing things coming and what you would be giving up if you lost the vision.
Listen to no one but your own soul and those who have accomplished what you are accomplishing and walk away from anyone holding you back… actually, run.
This is yours. It was always yours. It was always you.
One. More. Step.
I love you.
I am here for you.
You are not alone.
And yes…. you are made for greatness, just like you always knew and IT IS COMING. ??☕️?❤️