I DID NOT WANT TO POST THIS ?… but.. I am not going to hide my journey because I’m worried of judgement. This is a bit explicit and very blunt, so feel free to ignore if raw, open transformation and exploration isn’t your jam.?
I am who I am and that is that. ❤
As always.. when I feel called to go away for a time.. some kind of huge breakthrough happens.. and I am ALWAYS dead wrong on what it will be hahahaha.
I’m never even close.
I asked for a divorce in November. I promised myself that I would stay single for one year and let myself learn what it was I wanted now, as this woman, from a man.
It’s been 11 months exactly.
4 weeks to go… and mostly I felt NOT READY still.
I have this vision in my head of working hard, focusing on my children and my impact on the world… having fun, traveling and meeting new and different men to see how different things feel.
Only… up until now, I have felt safe with VERY few men. So traveling around and meeting up with men felt uneasy. I also have felt very triggered about sex.
Most of my friends have all had a lot more sexual experience than me, and to be honest, I felt insecure about that. Plus, I was always taught being intimate outside of marriage is a sin, which I no longer believe, but I didn’t know what it was I DID believe about sex.
We feel how we feel and believe how we believe… no one else’s opinion of this means anything, and I just needed to be patient and explore myself.
What felt right.
What felt like me.
What felt safe.
What did I believe.
When I am 95 and look back on my life, how will I have wanted to show up?
If “it’s a sin” wasn’t the reason not to have sex anymore, what other reason were there?
Am I ok with having sex and being in a position of vulnerability with a man?
Him being able to judge me as easy?
Risking oxytocin ravaging my brain and body? lol
How did I feel about condoms and protecting myself.
Was honoring my body about being safe, or about not doing it at all?
How did it feel for me to picture saying “Do you have a condom?”
How did I feel about possibly hurting a man who ended up wanting more when I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship?
What made me feel sexy?
How did I feel about my body now that I have had 2 kids and was almost 40?
Did I WANT to have sex or did I want to learn a new level of discipline to suppress my “in my prime” body screaming for sexual intimacy.
What about women?
What about threesomes?
What about toys?
All things I had never considered.
I’m not going to lie, it was terrifying to even ask myself these questions, let along give myself permission to be really truly honest with myself.
What was fantasy and what was what I truly wanted?
I asked SO many questions… I definitely turned many dates into coaching sessions where they became my dating coach HAHAHA ??♀️?
I found men who were really open and would tell me really blunt truths. I studied dating and the psychology of attraction.. and I observed, learned, explored and told myself deep truths.
SO then … the trip here to the mountains. I’m thinking I’m going to have some huge breakthrough for teaching in my business around freedom, happiness, fearlessness etc… but no.
What happens, as per the norm, is something so opposite. I have a HUGE massive breakthrough on being afraid of this whole animal nature in me. ?
Being a woman who desires sex and isn’t ready for monogamy. Yep.
Saying it out loud doesn’t feel any harder than it felt to say to myself.
I feel safe now, finally, to do what TRULY feels right, and I don’t have to have it figured out ahead of time.. I’ll know when I need to know in each moment, in each different situation.
But this is what I do know ahead of time.
I don’t do casual sex with random men. Fk that.
I have to feel connected, and I have to feel safe.
I don’t believe it’s a sin or anything even remotely close, I don’t think it’s bad, dirty or condemning to have consensual, adult sex.
Feels damn good to say that out loud.
I actually believe that denying our animal nature is the very reason why people are so sad, reserved, held back, resentful, drained, tired, flat, unfulfilled and lifeless.
Transformation happens THROUGH the body, not outside of it.
So how can denial of being truly in the body ever be how transformation happens?
I don’t know if you understand what I mean, I have obviously never tried to explain this, but I KNOW IT IN EVERY CELL OF MY BODY. I know it to my core and deeply in my soul.. FOR ME.
Being truly in the body:
– Deep sense of peace that doesn’t rely on circumstances
– No need for approval, true satisfaction
– Truth telling with no filter
– Acknowledging all feelings, deeply feeling all feelings
– Zero resistance to what is
Feels like I’m breathing in for the first time.
Wide open eyes, seeing it all
Look how far I’ve made it now… Now that I’ve made it OUT.
And I don’t want to waste any more heart beats
I want to see what I haven’t yet
The whole damn world is waiting there for me
And nothing can hold me back… and MAYBE I’M FINE WITH THAT
I want to live!
I want to BE right now..
I want to scream until my lungs give out…
“THISSSS is what it means to be ALIVE!!” ❤ ?
I don’t have any answers and I don’t even know if I have a point.. I suppose my point is this.
BE YOU when you know you could get hurt, when you know you might not do it perfectly.
BE YOU when you are scared, feel stupid or insecure.
Ask a LOT of questions. lol
And … tell the truth, the whole bold truth. The music inside of you will never ever look like anyone else’s. No two people are the same. So tell the truth ESPECIALLY when it looks like NO ONE else’s. That’s when it is the MOST important.
You have no reason to feel ashamed. That is a useless emotion. It’s time to release it.
It’s time to release your judgement of how others need to believe, feel or show up… EVEN ANGELS dare not tread in the space between a man and God.
You do not get to say who is good and who is bad, which means they do not get to label you either.
Who are they to ever think you know someone else’s soul journey?
When they judge another it doesn’t define you, it define them.
Remember this next time someone tries to make you feel ashamed or bad for WHO YOU TRULY ARE. It’s their own shit, and has nothing to do with you.
YOU ARE FREE TO BE YOU.
You are an amazing, whole-hearted, capable, powerful, loving, GOOD human EXACTLY as you TRULY are, and no one else’s arbitrary rules changes that.
✨TO BE UNAFRAID OF THE JUDGEMENT OF OTHERS IS THE GREATEST FREEDOM YOU WILL EVER KNOW. ✨
What are you finally going to admit today?
What part of you are you going to OWN and honor today?
Can you release the story that you have to have pain and suffering to grow?
Say it with me:
“I choose to create no more pain, no more suffering. I choose to believe I am truly SAFE to be me.”
I LOVE YOU
I don’t know who this was for, but as we say in the tribe “GIRLLLL, I HOPE YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED FROM THIS BECAUSE I HAD TO LOVE YOU BIG TO SHOW UP FOR THIS ONE!!!” hahahahahahah