fk. me.
That’s basically what I really want to say.
Fk-ity fk fk.
Sometimes shit is HARD.
I feel the little light inside flicker in the cold wind…
It flickers.
It dims.
But it does not go out.
Every single cold season is FOR US.
So this morning I laid by the fire allowing myself to sink to a deeper space inside of me… deeper than I have ever gone.
It’s time to tell a deeper truth.
I could feel it, I felt the resistance for 2 months.
I had begun to shift…but I didn’t go all the way.
I got scared.
I invested over $130k in mentorship in a mastermind.
I let go of the woman who had been with me since the very beginning of my business…
and then I hit a wall of resistance.
For 9 weeks now I have avoided going to this deeper space inside and telling a deeper truth.
Here we go.
I have been REALLY confused about this whole .. living from my heart thing.
I was wasting my time.
I was wasting my energy.
It was distracting me.
I was allowing it.
I was choosing things that were the SAME.
Same same same.
Yet I knew I didn’t want the same.. so I was in massive tension.
3 weeks, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9…
then the OH FK moment.
It’s do or die time.
This is why I do such crazy things like invest in masterminds that are way outside of my comfort zone.
I cannot make this all work and stay the same woman.
I have no choice but to change.
Inside I knew I was ready to bust out of this cocoon but I was not doing it.
I have not been doing it.
So I am faced with a crossroads.
Sometimes I wonder WHY DO THIS TO MYSELF?
I could easily just fk around for the whole year… serve my clients, take care of my kids and relax.
Bills all paid, money put aside for the future. No stress. No pressure. No worries.
So why do this?
Why launch myself into a new stratosphere and have to learn how to breathe a new kind of oxygen?
Why stretch myself so far?
Why require so much of myself?
Why demand greatness?
Why the need to clean up the parts of my life that are still old?
Why push the growth so rapidly?
Welfare to $1.6MM in 3 years in this industry? That’s certainly not required.
Why lay by the fire allowing myself to receive the message of the deeper truth I needed to tell myself?
Nothing feels as good as integrity.
Deep profound integrity.
Nothing in this Universe feels as good as alignment.
You are called.
It is what it is.
Are you going to pretend you are not?
Did you want to keep justifying that behavior?
Want to pretend there is no dire consequence to it?
Just keep acting like you don’t know better?
It’s safe for us to call ourselves out WITHOUT any shame or guilt.
We simply tell the damn truth, and shift.
One small step at a time.
Today? We begin by simply telling the truth.
I keep dating men that are unavailable.
It feels safe.
It feels easy.
It has been a big fat distraction from the call to greatness I feel in my soul.
Today I just simply own the truth.
And shift.
I feel lonely sometimes and have felt terrified to date someone that has any level of power.
It makes sense to me that I felt this way.
But I get to choose something new now.
And more importantly, I get to take my power back and stop allowing distraction.
There are things that need to happen.
Things I have been allowing to be messy.
Things I have allowed to be standard.
Things I have allowed to be good enough.
AND things I have been afraid to HAVE.
I’ve been terrified to be this successful and also allow myself to be the fittest I can be… like the women I live to serve.. I will hurt them, make them jealous, make them feel I am not the same as them. The opposite of everything I stand for.
Men will be too aggressive, they will not want to let me go if I want to walk away. They will want me for the wrong reasons.
It’s absurd. I know. Yet the fear has had its place.
I have been scared to fully face some of the things with my kids. Like if I go that deep I will be suffocated. They will consume me. It will be a never-ending pit of fixing scary things. Where is the end? How much do you control and how much do you let go of? What do you fix and what do you leave alone?
I have been scared to engage with my family deeper. When I realized that $ cannot fix things for the people I love, I was devastated. BLAH. So many tears. They are grown adults and all get to have the experience of life they desire, not the one I feel they should have. Imagine that. I could just love them where they are at. fully.
The most powerful force on earth.
Fkg terrifying.
Am I ready to open my heart up fully?
Am I ready to accept all that is?
Am I ready to shine my brightest?
Am I ready to leave behind the old?
Am I ready to give and receive a new level of LOVE?
Full presence.
Giving because it’s WHO I AM, not expecting anything in return.
Doing what’s true because it’s what’s true, scared or not.
Receiving, because true giving is not giving if you judge receiving.
Allowing massive blessings into my life so I can be a bigger blessing to others.
We do not have to earn our worth.
We simply become available by choice.
Anything less than our best simply won’t do.
No guilt.
No drama.
No shame.
Just allowing our true best to emerge.
Love you
Mandy xx