Dec 26, 2020
That’s when it happened.
39 years old.
Today… I became… a woman. I don’t know how else to explain it.
Yesterday a few things happened that hurt my heart.
I’ve been going through this intense metamorphosis and have been eerily calm about it all… and this morning it all came to ahead.
I was drawing a bath, in my robe, with my espresso.. and I caught my own eye in the mirror in the bathroom…
I’ve seen myself in the mirror 10,000 times and yet something was different. Something FULLY caught my attention.
I thought… “Woh. Who is that powerful woman?
I SEE her.
A vibrant, beautiful, successful woman.
A woman of VALUE.
A woman who deserves to be treated with tenderness, care, respect, and honor.”
I had NEVER felt this before. I had never thought of it, wanted it or identified with it… and all of a sudden things that have felt so painfully foggy were so clear.
I had still been allowing things to happen that make me feel less than. STILL… welcome to being #human Mandy.
I’d been allowing moments when someone is pushing past a boundary, interrupting me and I’d say nothing.
Moments when a man did something that didn’t feel good and I’d say nothing.
Moments when someone didn’t keep their word and I’d let it slide.
Moments of confusion that I allowed someone outside of me to justify things rather than going inward to learn my own opinion or feelings about the matter.
It was so easy to see.
I felt this flashing inside of me… dancing back and forth between the young wild woman who was confused, distracted and allowing those quiet whispers of acknowledgment of things that do not feel good to pile up into an abyss of secrets… and this mature, successful, clear woman who speaks the whispers to life with love and certainty.
I felt myself shed the old skin as I looked at this woman I admired in the mirror.
A smile stretched across my face and a tear fell down my cheek.
“I am beautiful.”
I have never thought this before, ever. How have I not seen it until now? I have never seen it, and more-so, had never felt it.
I saw it and felt it at this moment.
I could see the younger me wobbling throughout this expansion of herself trying to understand what was happening and I was so proud of her fearlessness. God she was fearless! Relentlessly fearless and brave… but she was not whole. She held the whispers bouncing around inside weighing her down.
She let the moments when something happened that felt bad pile up inside of her creating a need for safety. A need for freedom. A NEED to know she can handle ANY fkd up thing life may surprise her with, and she can get her and her kids through it. NO MATTER WHAT.
But she was tired.
It was a lonely path of never truly allowing someone to feel all of her, her hurts, her longings, her sensitive big heart.
She had been living the hero’s journey.
She had been living that story for all of the 39 years she could remember.
Abuse, beatings, sexual trauma, deaths, religious terror, secrets.. loved ones trapped in nightmares, loved ones suffering.
Family members who overdosed, committed suicide, dedicated their lives to false beliefs that consumed them, jealousy, fear, anguish.
It was a nightmare fairytale of horrors to which she believed she needed to be the hero of.
Beautiful heart and so much naivety. I could sense her weariness. She was a fierce warrior.
But this was no longer the woman I saw in the mirror. I felt the warrior inside of me.. I knew she was available for me if I ever needed her… but this was no longer the woman looking back at me. This was undeniably NOT the warrior.
This morning for the first time ever, I saw the QUEEN.
The woman who held no secrets.
The woman with much experience.
The woman whose heartbeat steady and strong.
The woman who no longer needed proof she would be ok…
THIS WAS THE WOMAN READY TO SERVE.
She was here.
The Queen was here to learn to truly serve her people with greatness.
I could see it in my eyes.
I tasted it in the tears that fell to my lips.
I felt the steady, SOVEREIGN strong heartbeat held in my chest lightly.
I could hear the truth pouring out of me like the most honest song I have ever heard. The kind of song that describes a moment you thought NO ONE ELSE had ever felt.
Man, look at her.
What a sight to see.
What an honor to become.
What a profound honor to be present with this soul.
Everything that has led to this moment has been truly worth it.
I am ready to serve.
I am ready to receive all that empowers me to serve better.
To be present.
To be DEEPLY honest.
To keep my word to myself a though it is written in stone.
To keep my word to others. My yes being my yes. My no being my no.
To listen with my whole being.
To give time.
To do things to the absolute BEST of my ability.
To give ALL I have to give.. and when the body says no more… let the warrior heart that beats so strongly in me will right past it.
To love with all of my being, and when my heart is weary and broken, let my wise soul guide me to healing and surrender.
To pour my love out and fearlessly obey my instincts.
To back my intuition and creativity immediately and without hesitation.
To love unconditionally.
To FEEL it all.
To allow humility to guide me to question all and stay open.
To serve without title.
To give generously, and receive equally.
To honor my body.
To honor my heart.
To be taken care of.
To be honored and cherished.
TO CEASELESSLY DREAM OF A BETTER WORLD FOR ALL, FULLY ACCEPT WHERE I AM, AND WHAT IS… AND SHOW UP IN THIS LIFE FROM THE HEART WITH DETERMINATION & RECKLESS ABANDON.
This is a call to awaken.
A call to step up.
A call to love bigger, be better, and shed the you that holds back, excuses and justifies living beneath your ability.
You are capable of far greater impact.
You deserve a much more magnificent experience of life.
You were born for such a time as this.
I love you.