I am a girl who LOVES people deep.
I’m fkg smart… and often very naive…in ALL the right ways.
I swear…a lot.
I have more questions than a whole group of people put together, and I ask them ALL. ALL DAY.
I am wild.
Every man I have ever been with has told me some version of… “you cannot be contained”.
I often cry that I don’t know what it feels like to have my mom and dad together happily off into the sunset… and I’m turning 40 this year.
I feel like a shitty mom, almost ALWAYS. I never wanted kids. I always said I’d jump off a building if I got pregnant…but have worked my ASS of every single day to CHOOSE to be a mom, and every day I am proud of myself for this choice and every day I wish I was wiser at it.
I laugh hysterically every single day.
I watch comedy every single day.
I am obsessed with friends who make me laugh…running jokes is my kryptonite. A man who has running jokes w/ me def goes to the front of the line.
I used to hate being touched…probably because of all of the abuse…and didn’t actually enjoy being touched intimately (sexually and non) until this past year. It was a running joke in my family. Now I cannot get enough…have a whole lifetime to make up for!
I have deep spiritual faith and feel deep sadness about people stuck in religion and am often scared to speak about that because I know how HARD it is to challenge a belief all of life is based on.
I am super triggered by some of my peers and mentors. I feel frustrated that things are so focused on STUFF. BS stuff. It feels like a total waste of life… I also am drained by the masculine energy that is often exuded… I long for a tribe of people that’s feminine energy-based and luxury isn’t the focus. I found Tony’s Platinum partnership but MY GAWD…that was like Marine Corps energy all over again. So I work to create what I feel is missing.
AND.. I learned to stop moving so god damn fast with this last lesson. There comes a point in time with your success that you get to learn a new level of wisdom. I also learned how to be true to me no matter which crowd I’m with because I love every crowd… genuinely.
I have been SUPER confused about what it is to be LOVE.
LOVE is all that exists. It sent me down a path of exploration that was incredibly difficult… but man did I learn some glorious things…like…I LOVE MONOGAMY. It’s so epic to grow that much w someone. I prefer the lessons that come with 1:1 relationships rather than learning non-possessive romantic love. I am capable of both.. and am clear which life I prefer. What a wild fkg ride.
Also, If I am truly the most loving I can be… is it ok to swear? Say the inappropriate things I often say? Is it ok to be wild rather than grounded?
I am a queen… I rule with love.
I love unconditionally and I’m FKG proud of this… I have dealt with some REALLY fkd up shit and LOVED people right through it.. and no one will ever know the extent of this, but I do. I DO. Sometimes I wish someone else knew.
Swearing is like an overflow of the DEEP LOVE I have inside every single second of every day… and I completely get the irony of this. ??
I am overflowing with passion and unbridled emotion.. and I LOVE this about me…life is such an adventure. I have had people tell me it’s hard to learn from me because of my swearing but… I swear still because it’s who I am. I like who I am. I
Love them but I love authenticity more.
I don’t stay unless I am treated right…
I don’t keep people around that don’t think I deserve this epic life…
I call people out when they shame me.
I call people out when they are taking advantage of me, it’s often said aloud wrapped in tears. My love language is acts of service and I experience incredible pain STILL when others take advantage of me… but I have come to realize that I CREATE THIS, not them. I have the power to stop this as well.
I turn my pain into power…
I’ve earned every single damn JEM on this crown.
I am a fkg powerhouse and what would be the point in pretending I don’t know this… pretending I don’t know exactly who the fk I am isn’t humility… it’s dishonesty.
And do you know why I am writing this particularly strange blog? Because I was crying in my kitchen feeling like I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM… a common feeling when you outgrow yourself every day of your life.. only it’s complete BS, because as you see… I know exactly who I am…
I just don’t know how this NEW me is going to handle this NEW day.
It was never about not knowing yourself.
It was never about trying to MAKE yourself.
It wasn’t about fighting for your spot…
It was always about LOVE.
The real you.
Fk what anyone else, or anything else told you or expected from you.
The hippies will think you are too driven
The religious will think you are worldly
The woo will think you are too pragmatic
The corporate world will think you are too wild
The wild will think you are too structured
The small masculine will think you are messy
The small feminine will think you are too much
You are not here to impress or gain approval from anyone except your own SOUL.
THIS IS YOUR FKG JOURNEY and it doesn’t matter how many times you get lost…
It doesn’t matter how many times you fk it all up.
It doesn’t matter how many times you were influenced by someone and got off path..
It doesn’t matter how many times you doubted yourself.
How many times you let someone knock you off your throne.
YOU GET TO BE YOU.
You get to CHOOSE what YOU desire TODAY and then show the fk up for that and create it.
Maybe you have some healing to do.. maybe you have some shit to learn. Maybe you have some NO BS crazy going on and that shit needs to get cleaned up.
WELCOME TO LIFE.
Today’s question IS NOT HOW DO I DO THIS.
It is not HOW DO I FIGURE THIS OUT.
It is not WHAT DO I DO
It is… WHAT THE FKKKK DO I DESIRE!!!
Desire is the language of thriving.
It’s bad to desire? It’s worldly? It’s a path to self absorbedness and lack of discipline?
OR … that is a bunch of shite made up by LACK, scarcity, fear, control, and SURVIVING.
That’s like saying … you will work out better if you haven’t eaten for 6 years.
I fkg love you.
You know exactly who you are.
Now it’s time to choose what you desire for this wild ass journey we are on.