My greatest fear with being loved, and how it fkd me up... or didn’t ??‍♀️❤️? - Mandy Perry

I thought … if I am the wild powerful woman that I feel inside… if I am high-energy, breakthrough, crushes life Mandy.. I’ll be single forever.

That ONE thought sent me down a completely different path.

I slowly began developing stories and rules around who I wanted to be… who I should be. I should be calm, grounded, flow-y, heart-centered, spiritual – Ultra feminine Mandy.. and this will magnetize a man in.

That’s what literally everyone was saying.

I grew up in a really abusive home, was poor my entire life, and had only ever been with men who took advantage of me and ignored my needs.

That was all I knew.
My dad is amazing, loves us kids with all his being but.. he worked his ass of for us but I have never been close to him in the kind of way I see intimate father-daughter relationships are. His way of connecting is to make fun of you for something.. and any boy that came around, he would tell… “Good luck trying to keep her around. I’ll meet the new one in a couple month.” Training them to protect themselves and not to take care of me.

So as I grew up, got divorced and created this life… a wealthy, known woman with influence and impact.. a beautiful life, my 2 amazing kids and all the freedom a human could as for… I began to notice this fear of never really feeling like the most important person to someone… never knowing what true intimacy felt like with a healthy man, never knowing what it felt like to feel SAFE with a man.

And without really realizing it.. I locked some shit in like a laser… I was going to learn how to have this. Period. No exceptions.

So off I went on this exploration that ended up lasting 16 months. Without realizing.. I began to concoct a whole life that revolved around learning to be the things that deserved the LOVE I desired.

mmhn.
It happens this fast. No exceptions.
#human

This woman who someone will love like this… She’s:
Calm
Flow-y
Spiritual
Quiet-er
Flirty
Gentle
A bit submissive
Really tuned into her heart.
Really focused on anticipating needs around her
Focused on the family and home – creating beauty

on and on the list went.
Each new piece of feminity I learned, I added a rule.

I was powerful. I could BECOME any damn one I pleased ya?
I wanted to be loved my a healthy man in his power and I was going to die trying to become the woman worthy of this.

And a not so surprising thing happened.
I started feeling flat, confused, & depressed…

Slowly, like the frog in the ever-increasing hot water.. my spark and my fire began to wane. Slowly bit by bit piece by piece… I began to see the world differently, see my mission & purpose differently… began to believe differently.

Until one day I woke up in my bed and thought…. holy shit. I’m fkg depressed. HOW THE FK did I get here. The night before I had purged my dinner… a very OLD friend of 21 years that crept her way back into my life. JUST. LIKE. THAT.

I instantly knew in every cell of my being that I was way way off path.
How the fk did I get off path.
Every single intention I had was genuinely so pure, so rooted in LOVE.. how on earth did I get here?

And I immediately reached out to an old mentor/friend of mine and wiped out my journal…

I’ve been here before, I know how to allow this and let it be the fuel that lights me on fire. EVERYTHING that I ever do, decide or go through gets to be for me… that’s just how it is.

THIS INCLUDED.

Now, there is a LOT to this, as 16 months in Mandy world… A LOT HAPPENS.. and I do mean a FKG LOT… but I will share what’s relevant to this post for you to avoid the same mistakes.

1. FK. I fkd up… holy shit I fucked up bad. (initial thoughts) It was like the moment I had the courage to LOOk at it I FKG ALREADY KNEW. Because that’s how it is.

2. NOPE. I didn’t fk up… this was the smartest damn thing I could have ever done. I AM A FKG GENIUS. *amen* #cocreation

If I was going to write a story of how a girl who was abused and poor her whole life … learned how to HEAL. Feel lovable by an amazing man, feel worthy of all of her money and success, learn to be responsible and mature with her money, learn how to truly KNOW who she is, feel comfortable as her true self, in her true nature and have all she desires being HER TRUE SELF…. I would have written this exact story for her.

It’s fkg hard. It’s been hard for a year, but every single struggle she is going through has been HEALING her and clearing the path for every single thing she desires but had to grow into.

This was the journey of her healing… her powerful, intentional, no BS, MASSIVE rewards on the other side healing.

****GRIN****
fk.
It’s just so all worth it.

I am so blessed. So fkg blessed to have the opportunity to heal.
To be IMPORTANT enough that the entire Universe stops to take time to create an ARENA for me specifically so I can learn to BE the woman who is aligned with all I desire.

All I then had to do was CHOOSE to allow it all to be the growth it was intended to be.

BECAUSE HERE’S THE BOLD TRUTH…..
You could go through all of that shit and have it mean NOTHING… because you decided not to do the work to heal. To grow. To expand.

ya.
That’s a real thing.

#NotTodaySatan

Us? We simply get to choose to believe we get to HEAL from every single thing that is slowing us from believing we get to have all we deeply desire.

I get to use every single detail of this entire 16-month journey to – heal, grow, BE, make $, heal lives, inspire, impact, create, know, have……

End of story.
What about you?
Is all the chaos and BS for not?
Or are you ready to capitalize on this shit and MAXIMIZE every single ounce of growth KNOWING and having from it all?

Yes. Methinks the later too.
We are doing this work in the HEALED program now.
We just finished the prep work today.

This is going to be a life-changing month.
Come HEAL with us.
Why the fk would we waste one more second of one more day?

I love you.
Mandy xx