(warning.. very raw open post about men, sex, love)
I thought that casual sex, and open relationships would feel like such FREEDOM.. even though I’ve always been the monogamous type only.
I explored, stretched my mind, my heart…
I kept taking a step, and telling myself the truth…
I kept pushing my boundaries and my allowing growth to happen.
My whole life I felt like a relationship was a trap.
I felt suffocated.
Every boyfriend I ever had says they felt I was going to leave them, I was like a caged animal, I was hard to contain.. some variation of this. I didn’t really know why they were saying it back then.
I didn’t want a bf.
I didn’t want to be a wife.
I never even wanted to be a mom.
That was my VIBE.
I HATED the feeling of being trapped.
I daydreamed of running the world with some friends and a backpack.
But as usual.. our soul guides us well BEYOND our fears.
I am a fire-y passionate woman, who has been abused by MANY men, in MANY ways… and has been abused by the people who were supposed to protect me.
There was no protection.
I became my own protection.
I became a bird. I learned to fly.
Fly in my heart, my mind, my soul… while I endured circumstances that felt trapp-y.
Like the choice to be the woman who would be there for my kids in a way I never had from my own parents.
But without knowing it… I had created a story about what I WANTED… what freedom WAS… based off of wounds.
I thought I was just different.
I just wasn’t that kind of girl.
The kind of girl who needs a man, wants to be in a label, wants to be taken care of.
And as I embodied this as a woman… I began to attract men who wanted to be taken care of…who brought very little or nothing to the table…or were woman obsessed… who liked the chase of trying to “obtain” me or the “high” of being with me.
Something like this anyways.
These were good men, but not MEN in their power.
The kind of man who would do anything for his family.
The kid of man who protects you.
The kind of man who uplifts you, encourages you, and supports you.
They were triggered by my bigness.
They’ve stalked me, chased me, obsessed over me.
They’ve used me, manipulated me, and took what they wanted.
And more and more I felt less need for them.
I felt I learned to become IN SPITE of them.
All of them. (Stay w me here… to the end… this isn’t what you think…)
Actually, in truth, to this very day, I have no clue what it feels like to be in a real relationship with a man who makes me feel truly safe.
A man who is stable emotionally and financially.
Who is secure and healed in himself enough to be uplifting and kind.
A man who isn’t obsessed w/ other women, me or sex.
A man who is clear of his intentions.
A man who sees my bigness and cheers me on, knowing I’m capable of creating real change in the world.
A man who tells me I am beautiful (while I’m with him… they all like to tell me AFTER I leave)
Fk. this is way more honest than I anticipated being…
A man who takes care of me… not because he needs to, because he wants to because he is a KING who wouldn’t exist being taken care OF.
and here’s the thing.
As I walked away from my most recent relationship… I realized…how fkg obvious it was.
IT WAS ALL ME.
Completely and utterly MY OWN DOING.
It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but it’s HONEST.
I explored this whole open relationship thing.
I really truly let myself HAVE anything I needed to understand this, and feel like I was clear about romantic LOVE.
THE REALIZATION THAT IT WAS ALLLL ME…
I FKG LOVE SOOOO BIG.
It’s big. It’s raw. It’s real.
It hot, it’s intense…
I wear my whole entire heart on my sleeve.
this mixed w the VIBE I clearly had of… I don’t want to be in a relationship… drew in the kind of guy that wanted me like a drug.
The kind of man who was a bit unstable and intoxicated by the passion.
The kind of man who is ok with being taken care of so long as he gets his next hit.
I was a drug.
Not a woman.
The real man who would treat me the way I have not even dared to hope I could be treated… I wasn’t available to him.
Honestly, I hadn’t really considered him… until now.
So, you see…through all of this… I really came full circle back to myself.
I am a woman of value, who brings a lot of heat to the table, and desire a man who is steady enough to handle the fire. I desire to be with him in a traditional way, just him and I, on a porch sipping coffee someday at age 95. AND I CAN HAVE THIS AND FEEL COMPLETELY FREE. BOOMMMMM
And just like that I walked away from being the drug, the druggie boys, and OWNED my true position as a woman.
Just like that, I smirked at the story that I wanted to be FREE and alone to wander… and my eyes welled with tears thinking of HOW much LOVE I would pour into my King.
There were a couple of key things that really opened my eyes.
1. It was 100% ME. I was a beacon for these “drug addicts” who were not men who could contain me… they would ignore their own responsibilities and chase me forever… letting me clean up their messes.
2. I let myself buy into the BS men spin to THEMSELVES to condone their own intoxication behavior. The hippie story that free love is expansive, the French culture of open relationships… this whole late 30’s & 40’s single life of… it’s no big deal thing. All of it.
Now I am not speaking for THEM.. actually… I kind of am… but that’s not my point… The men I dated were a bit obsessed with women/ sex/ passion… basically the “high”…
It’s intoxicating and I ooze it… I see it now. I never saw it before. And so these men have created belief systems that allow for this behavior. (Maybe it’s good for them… I REALLY DOUBT it, but who knows… I just know it’s SHIT for me)
I was so curious, searching, open, naive… whatever you want to call it… and I allowed myself to try on their beliefs… to see if they fit me.
I felt anxiety.
Looking back its hilarious it took me so long… but also… given all I have been through w/ men… it’s also amazing that I see it at all.
3. I can have a traditional relationship and FREEDOM… now… I see that freedom is an INTENTION… it’s INSIDE… not outside. It’s not a label, lack of, condition or situation. It’s not even a way of living… it’s an INTENTION.
When I believe FREEDOM is doing life w a man who really sees me and loves me, from his place of strength, then it FEELS like freedom.
So, all of it is on me. I was calling this shit in.
Until I understood this and let that old shit go.
I am not a drug, I am a beautiful, amazing woman worthy of healthy, raw, passionate, stable love.
I finally got BRAVE and admitted what I really wanted.
What I really wanted was to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with a mature, strong, clear, steady man who can contain all of me… in his big-ass king container.
What I really wanted was a man who is steady enough to not get lost in the intoxication.
IT IS ALWAYS US.
WE are ALWAYS creating our own experience. ALWAYS
Idk who this is for…
but I felt called to share this today.
– men who need you (for money, a place to live, to feel better)
– men who talk about other women, or want to be with 2 women
– men who need a green card (lol I’m serious)
– men who insult you, even slightly (no it’s not funny)
– men who you just feel less confident around
– men that you have anxiety being with…
WALK THE FK AWAY.
Be the woman who walks away.
You are no one’s drug.
Fk the intoxication… you are a QUEEN to be treasured, and ONLY a King gets that magic juice ❤
I love you