This is my first post since taking a week-long sabbatical… and it’s exactly nothing like you would expect after a week of deep meditation.
Continue only if you are prepared for absolute transparency about this topic…
I got still.
I got quiet.
And all of a sudden some big walls came tumbling down.
I found myself telling a much deeper truth to myself, and getting myself out of some really toxic situations to a whole new level.
I found myself educating myself on emotional abuse and narcissism.
I cried, threw up, binge ate, and meditated for hours.
I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and stupid… like.. why do I make excuses for this behavior? Why did I hide it from myself? Why do I seem to be drawn to the men that call names, siphon my money and energy, take up all my time, cause tons of drama…
Why do I engage with someone who uses my past against me, does crazy things like record things and show people, tell me how much everyone else hates me, rewrites history as though reality isn’t real, tells me I’m a horrible mother, threatens me, tells me I’ve seen nothing yet, tells me he’s moving across the country just to cause a ruckus, calls me degrading names and plays non stop head games?
Why does it take me SO DAMN long to catch on?
Why do I ever give one millisecond of my time or emotion?
What was actually happening?
Finally, as I educated myself, watching myself actually become ill from facing the reality… I saw how scared I was.
There was the little 8-year-old girl in me… desperately needing to know she was safe.. asking the same question over and over.. “WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT?”
I needed to know.
How bad would it be?
Why on earth was I so scared.. there was nothing solid to be afraid of.. was I crazy?
Because getting others to think I’m a bad mother is scary.
Because not trusting myself to not use money to appease his anger was scary.
Because being told someone on my “team” was secretly telling them information on me was scary.
Because telling me how much his whole family hates me is scary.
Because having him use every vulnerable thing I’ve ever shared to try to prove I am the crazy one, is scary.
Because when someone pretends they were the ones who left or paid all the bills and completely rewrites history to suit their need to look good, it’s scary.
Because it’s scary when they accuse of crazy things… sleeping with the AC guy, right in front of the AC guy.
Because having someone record private conversations with your overwhelmed daughter getting her to say what they want, to show people is scary.
Because taking every penny and leaving me with all the debt is scary.
Because being called derogatory names, slut, bitch, whore, bi-polar, is scary.
Because watching someone amp things up to the next level over and over … while ether tells you “You haven’t seen anything yet”, is scary.
Because NOT KNOWING WHAT IS NEXT, is scary.
Just fk it.
Yes, I’m terrified to write this post.
All I can think of is what punishment I’m going to get… how all the people he has fooled will think I’m a nut case, and how even some of the women who are suffering this kind of confusing painful behavior will reject it.
It’s a LOT to face.
It’s fkg hard.
MOST people want to deny this for one reason or another.
Most people will not understand, believe, or care.
And I don’t care.
I’m saying it for me, I’m not saying it for them.
I’m saying it for all the women who need someone else to have the courage to say… “JUST BECAUSE I’ve been choosing to recreate this, and engage in this, doesn’t make me weak, crazy, or less than an incredible leader in my strong areas.”
It doesn’t make me crazy.
It doesn’t make me bad.
It makes me brave AF for never giving up.
It took even more courage for me to face…
****I am no victim here. I am choosing this. ****
A part of me that is desperately always looking to recreate the moment I figure out I am safe is replaying this over and over.
And only I can do the work to overcome it.
Some people will say, don’t share this publicly Mandy!
Some will say I am lying.
Some will say I am playing the victim.
Some people will think it’s to be vindictive.
Some people will judge my stability.
Some people will ignore.
Some will gossip about it.
I’m ok with this.
Some will feel like it’s the first time in their life someone else who they admired let them see that IT DOESN’T DEFINE THEM… and it’s not something they need to hide or be ashamed of.
I’m just done hiding it all.
I’m done judging myself.
I’m done pretending it’s ok.
I’m done feeling shame about it.
I’m done with feeling afraid of what people who know personal details about things will say.
I’m done with the industry way of making everything seem like its only inspirational when you have overcome it all.
You are ONLY a leader when you have cleaned it all up. Fk that.
We lead because we eat our humble pie, face the scary shit, and KNOW our worth REGARDLESS of where we are in the journey in our weak areas.
WE ALL HAVE WEAK AREAS.
I know who I am.
I know what is happening.
I’m willing to put my head down in this area of life and do the work.
In the meantime, I’ve become strong.
I’ve cleaned up every single mess.
I’ve done all the work on the back end and release any need for credit.
I’ve handled extreme financial distress.
I’ve gotten thicker skin and a softer heart.
I’ve developed stronger values and deeper integrity.
I’ve become open-minded.
I’ve gained valuable insights and experiences.
I’ve outgrown huge parts of my ego.
I’ve learned to surrender to what is.
I’ve developed faster stronger instincts.
I’ve become who I am BECAUSE of it all.
And as it turns out… I’ve been given the gift to see that this was never about them, or him.
– It was always about me abusing myself by engaging, choosing, allowing this sh*t. Choosing harmful behaviors to try to manage the anxiety.
– Me manipulating myself, convincing myself.
– Me choosing hard for myself.
– Me ignoring red flags.
– Me looking for a sense of safety OUTSIDE of myself
– Me twisting reality to fit my narrative… Maybe he’s just depressed, maybe he just needs more time, maybe he will give back when he’s feeling better… on and on and on.
It was me who was choosing it all.
And although this is a new conscious realization for me, I’ve known it all along.
I always knew I should run.
I had moments where I would just scream and scream .. I knew something was very wrong.
And I knew every single time that I sold myself the BS that it was getting better, that it was just a momentary breath.. and I was too scared to face the consequence of leaving.
Until I did.
And then, I chose a horse of the same color.
Who do I blame then? lol
There is no blame.
There is just a powerful, incredibly smart, resilient woman, who has gone through untold suffering… recreating the same shit over and overlooking to finally get the exhale she desperately needed her whole life… in all the wrong places.
Never feeling safe enough to slow down and really feel.
And she’s done with that sh*t now.
Whatever it takes.
And if you get this, here’s what I want to say.. to you, FOR US…
You are not crazy.
You are not going to be alone forever.
You are not weak.
Your past is not evidence of who you are today or what is possible for you.
There is nothing to be ashamed of.
This IS very hard to deal with.
It will not last.
I don’t give a fk how many people think he/she is the greatest thing on earth.. they don’t like them like you do.
Your feelings are valid.
The insults are NOT ok.
The constant anxiety felt is NOT a way to live.
PLEASE, GET STILL. All of a sudden the abusive behavior feels like what it is when you are able to compare it to peace and stillness.
Record the threats.
Tell the truth so people know what’s really happening.
And begin to educate yourself.
I’m no expert on any of this. Not even almost. I’m neck deep in the middle of healing this for myself.
I’m just a woman who is totally done being the victim to this sh*t, hiding it out of fear of retaliation or judgment, and pretending it’s someone else fault.
I’ve chosen 3 men in a row in the last 18 years, who are all the same.
I chose it.
It wasn’t chosen for me.
I am the victim of nothing.
WHY I chose it was the smartest question I ever asked myself.
WHY I will no longer choose it started the adventure of a lifetime.
I don’t want to hear any opinions on how I should feel, what I should and shouldn’t say, what is actually happening…
If this makes you mad, I hold you as able to manage your own emotions about it.
If this is a reflection of you.. well… I love you.
What if we aren’t victims and we are CHOOSING IT?
And what are we going to do about that now?
(I highly recommend reading “Psychopath Free” & “Why does he do that: In the minds of angry and controlling men” )
Yes, it’s hard… but WE CHOSE IT.
Growing is NEVER easy.
Luckily, the fact that you continue to survive all of the choices you have made is only further evidence that you do not need easy. lol
Is what it is.
Time to do the work.
We try.. again. again. again.. UNTIL.
Release the shame, this is complex AF and there is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
“Sadness is beautiful… a gentle moment when your spirit prepares itself for a fresh start.”
Most of us have lived through enormous abuse and this is very predictable.
Most people will live their whole life playing the victim to it all.
We face. We feel. We rise. We defy the odds.
We get to do this work.
We get to become.
AND in the meantime.. we build our dream life.
This doesn’t hold us back.
This doesn’t consume our emotional energy.
This doesn’t disrupt our focus time.
This doesn’t stunt our creative vision.
This doesn’t hurt our confidence.
This doesn’t make us depressed.
This doesn’t cause anxiety…
BECAUSE we know it was us all along.
It was US.
We chose it.
We allowed it.
And we are becoming a human who doesn’t do that any longer.
For the older or parentally tied: We disengage and stop allowing the threats to scare us. So what they will throw a huge fat temper tantrum. Let them. (If you sense he will violently harm you – stop fkg around and call 800-799-7233. Enough is enough)
For the newer: We resist the temptation, deny the impulse, and tell the sing-song story of romance and soul mates to go fk itself, kindly. For now. Until we are no longer choosing this sh*t. We will be single, heal, and create the most incredible life.. and then we will choose our soulmate.
LOVE FEELS LIKE LOVE.
YOU are 100% GOOD, through and through GOOD.
You are a force for good in this world and we need you.
And everything really is going to be ok.
Because you decided, and then back it with massive aligned action.
I love you,
Welcome to the new level of #rawtalk.
PS: The Apprenticeship Mastermind begins MONDAY
Claim your Clarity, your Power, and Your Wealth.
Know who the fk you are and what you are here to do.
Finally, understand what has been holding you back.
You are NOT confused, you simply have not been steady long enough to feel the clarity you desire.
I’m going to show you exactly how to fix this.
Turn up the hunger for something more, and breakthrough the complacency.
Understand the Awakening you are experiencing.
Allow the part of you trying to die off to die so you can embody the real you.
Release old trauma and pain, old BS that is holding you captive to the same repeated habits.
Define yourself independent of anyone else expectations.
Let go of the current approaches that are causing the blocks and pressures and get crustal clear what YOUR power moves are.
Work through the frustration and unfairness you may not even realize you feel.
Know how to ride the current of change forward.
Use the setbacks to launch you forward.
This is a journey to get conscious.
Get OPEN, because you WILL be shown.
Reclaim the ignored/ dismissed parts of you.
Shed who you were SUPPOSED to be and create your own empowered vision.
THIS ALL WILL FEEL LIKE OXYGEN… it’s not hard work, it is FINALLY BREATHING.
FEEL the power and confidence again as you embrace your deepest desires and greatest potential.
You will grow faster in these 5 weeks than most will in an entire lifetime.
I got you. I got myself. We’re going to explode to the ethers together.
5 weeks with my other powerful clients and me.
45 min 1:1 sessions weekly to go deep and rewire.
You will know WHO you are.
WHY you are.
What you want.
WHY you want it, why you are willing to do what you’ve never been willing to do before now.
What patterns have been holding you back? WHY and then rewire them.
Your DAILY power moves
Your exact programs to sell
HOW to sell them.
How to be organized with it all
And how to finally follow through.
You know if you feel called.
PM for details.
I LOVE YOU.
This takes courage, nothing more.