THE UNEXPECTED BLESSING THAT CAME FROM A MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND SUICIDE ATTEMPTS in my younger years…
is that I was left with a KNOWING that I could get to the place where I would try to die. It was an unshakeable reality.
This caused me to be very Raw. Vulnerable. Honest. person with myself and the world… and it freed me to feverishly find the things in life that made me feel, life was worth living.
I wasn’t going to pretend for you, for them, for anyone.
This was primal.
It was life or death, and I knew it.
All of a sudden… these arbitrary rules, norms, and beliefs I had been taught were irrelevant.
All of a sudden, breaking out of the norm wasn’t as scary.
All of a sudden being judged didn’t matter.
All of a sudden… I stopped lying to myself about what I REALLY believed.
All of a sudden the need to prove my innocence vanished.
All of a sudden.. the whole wide world opened up to me.
“Whatever stops you from dying, Mandy.. is OK, NO RULES… NONE.”
The very first thing I threw away was this notion that an experience is a sin. How the hell can you judge what something you have never experienced is if you have not experienced it?
I let people judge, gossip, lie.. attempt to manipulate and whatever have you… without feeling the need to do anything what so ever about it. I began to move AWAY from them.
I found beliefs, places, and people that felt like oxygen… that felt like life, that felt like…. truth.
And I began to challenge every single friggin thing that had ever been spoken to me, with words or action.
I’m still a massive work in progress…
I still want to know what the meaning of life really is.
I still want to know what happiness really is.
I still search for LOVE and MEANING.
And I probably always will because it is the search & enjoying the process that brings the MOST meaning to my life…
It is saying this out-loud hoping it reaching the person who is where I was 10 years ago that brings PURPOSE to my life.
It was the power I felt in letting it all go and choosing LIFE, choosing BREATH, choosing truth, MY truth that made life feel worth living.
And.. ironically enough.. it was doing all the “sin” things that also made life enjoyable
– Actually loving people openly, unconditionally with boundaries, and definitely without an attachment to get them to believe like me.
– Going to a Balinese Temple
– Making tons of $
– Being sexy
– Swearing (lmao)
– Getting a divorce
– Being friends with people who believe and live vastly different than I.
– BELIEVING that all humans are as “good” as me no matter what their religious beliefs are.
– Understanding that there is no good or bad, there is only what feels right and wrong to ME, and that doesn’t make it right and wrong for everyone.
And also, I feel it is wildly important to point out that I still get waves of .. what the f*** is the point of this all.
Which I’ve come to really appreciate about myself as this is a wildly important question.
I’ve watched SO many people die from not being able to answer this for themselves, enough… in the moment, or through a season of life.
My two cents?
Fk the rules and norms.
Follow your bliss.
And if you don’t know what that is.. have the courage to start asking yourself… “What things, people, or moments make life feel worth living?” or if you dare… “What stops me from killing myself?” lol
Ya, I do laugh about it.
Why not? Being human is hard, as a friend reminded me this am.
It’s fkg weird. and hard. and epic.
And we think and do even weirder sh**…