MY SECRETS… no longer secret
I thought about starting an anonymous blog today.
One where I write ALL THE THINGS…
I have this story that I can only share what I am certain of to my audience because if I get all crazy I will confuse them.. which made me laugh out loud.
As if they are easily swayed.. we all have moments of being a leaf blowing in the wind.. for sure.. but my people are savage, heart-centered, badasses.
I am jealous of singers because they get to fk up and get crazy and expose all the pain… create their art in truly raw form.
I am jealous of stand up comedians because they get to toe the line of inappropriate.
I day dream about an anonymous blog and being about 100x less filtered.
I think about all the brilliant people and how crazy they were and long for that freedom.
I think about rappers and how they just flaunt all their sh** lol
I also think about Mother T who didn’t give a fk about what the rest of the world was doing.. or Jesus who tapped into some powerful sh**… that same power still exists. Matter is neither created nor destroyed.
This is what the call on my life looks like.
It hasn’t all come together for me just yet.
It scares me and I feel I “SHOULD BE” more appropriate like the rest of the people crushing it in my field.
But being appropriate has me suffocating and choking on my own imposed rules.
Borderline depressed with it.
I LOVE COACHING, and I love writing, but only because it’s with YOU.
I love you. I love doing life with you. I honestly don’t even know where I’d be without you.
I LOVE my industry…
I think it’s a powerful and beautiful industry, but it still is a box… to me.
A Mother fkg box, that I feel constrained by, totally self-imposed.
I have been experimenting for the last year.
Trying this way and that way… feeling them all out. Seeing what feels like a fit…
And in the end.. I come back to daydreaming about saying all the things.
Raw, open, authentic talk about my life.
The back end.
Yes, I crush it in business and will do this forever and ever…
and also, I have a whole other life.
I am a woman who grew up in abuse, in all the ways, and have slowly and bravely been walking myself out of the hell.
A LOT COMES WITH THAT TO WALKTHROUGH…
The white-trash poor mentality
The dumb blond-ing
The way abused humans allow more humans to abuse them
The way we see the best in others and have a hard time seeing their manipulations
The way we thrive on drama and chaos.
The way we don’t believe we are worthy to have nice things
The way we let everyone else have access to us and our money
The addiction cycles.. binge, purge, substance abuse, masturbate, Netflix, toxic love…. overworking…
The pain of having f** up love ones or friends suffering..
The constant raging party just below the surface, wanting to avoid the deep wounds and depression.
All of the things that happen because of having gone through immense abuse is not something people talk about.
We all want butterflies and roses.
And it’s true. I talk a lot about butterflies and roses because that’s what I focus on.
So, anyway, that’s not my point… lol
My point is.. I’ve monetized my JOURNEY.
I didn’t create a company, I monetized my journey.
But then.. when I was growing in a way that I didn’t feel was appropriate to talk about to the public, it all felt much harder.
It also wasn’t something I wanted to monetize, for the first time ever. I simply desired to write about it and let the others going through it resonate.
Things like.. having the best sex of my life.. but it being with a toxic person. And being confused about that. After 14 years with a cold, aggressive human, I was starving for warmth.
And it was a wild exploration with MILLIONS of questions that changed me forever.
Like, is having the best sex of my life worth giving up a piece of my mental health? (it was a serious q lol)
Is sex without monogamy bad?
Do I ever want to be in a committed relationship again?
Maybe the only way to be truly happy is to explore connections with humans, sexually too, maybe, at least, for someone like me who has had almost NO warmth my whole life.
Is non-attachment as freeing as it sounds?
What would life feel like if I was attached to literally NOTHING?
What’s the deal with sex appeal… is it a distraction or meant to be enjoyed?
Could our souls have met in a past life? It feels like I have known this man for eternity. IS this whole search for a soulmate a great distraction from the reality of life?
What is the point of love? Is love a feeling or a commitment?
The conclusions I arrived at, and WHO I became along this journey was profound.
But I was too chicken to write about it all.
I told myself the story that it would only confuse people. It was selfish to talk about myself in a way that wasn’t within my expertise.
BUT THIS IS MY FKG EXPERTISE!!!!
I DO BRAVE SH** and then tell the truth about it.
Maybe I was scared that I’d lose my audience… or maybe I’m smart enough to KNOW dam* well I will lose some of my audience lol.
Maybe I was not accepting myself fully through this journey.
Maybe I was rejecting what was bringing me to life, whilst not being able to lie to myself about what I deeply needed.
Maybe I knew some of the things I was doing were not ultimately in alignment with my greatest good, but needed to explore them to know, and exploring that dark space felt like it needed to be a secret form the judgments of all the rule followers.
As I write this I am laughing because there are 100 things I’m still not saying.
Like the man I’ve had the greatest passion of my life with was a French man who was in an open marriage. Quite normal in his world. And I suppose I am ashamed of that even though it was all adults in agreement. (yep, look at me defending myself)
Or like.. I tried casual sex with a Scottish man.. and it was awful. The lack of connection in-between felt like the same old COLDNESS I had already known.
So, breaking societal norms caused me to experience the deepest sense of warmth I had ever experienced, and doing what was socially acceptable felt awful.
Then of course there was exploring what warmth with a man was, what was healthy, what was toxic, what was passion, and what was unhealthy for me.
All the while… being the woman 4 years off of welfare, learning who I was as a wealthy human… newly single after 14 years… running this company…turning 40, with my firstborn graduating and moving out, in a new state across the country.. with COVID BS happening.
I felt like the mad scientist.
And because of that, I started to separate my JOURNEY from the process and began monetizing my skills.
And I didn’t realize it then.. but I gave up a piece of what made my soul breathe when I did this.
And for a year it has felt like something was so OFF about my work.
All because of a silly story that I told myself that these were not things my audience wanted to be part of with me as they had done along my entire journey.
Which is just another way of saying.. I was bad.
I am who I am.
This is me.
I question every MF thing.
I am deeply passionate and a little crazy.
I don’t give a fk about the rules and I never will.. and also, I want to belong. I want to feel normal lol
I am like a dog with a bone when it comes to FREEDOM & HAPPINESS.
I will not pretend I am happy when I am not.
When something isn’t working for me, I will move mountains.
If your standard doesn’t fit me, I reject it.
But I might reject it secretly until I find the courage to stand proud as who I am.
I was born to say all the things.
I have ALWAYS been this way.
Even as a child.
I am the most curious human I have ever met… and I am working on accepting this new version of me.
Part of my accepting her is by saying the things.. and letting the humans who do not enjoy witnessing this part of my journey any longer to make their exit here.
There are SO MANY more things I am not saying.. and for sure, they will come out as we go, along the way. I can feel the oxygen coming back into my lungs as I allow myself to go back to monetizing my journey again.
The season I am in is learning to FULLY ACCEPT myself, shake off modeling what others who are having massive success do. Really allowing myself to fully embrace this new level of me who just bends the rules to adjust to my values and needs.
And monetize the journey without any hesitations, because there are always other humans, who are struggling with the EXACT things I just walked myself through over the last year.
And be seen unapologetically (eventually.. I hear a little bit of apology energy in this as it’s my first time writing about it all) lol
This is me.
I love you,
The art of unlocking ALL OF YOU.
We begin Sep 14th
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