First, I was driven by fear that my kids would end up suffering the way I did. That I wouldn’t be able to take care of everyone. That I’d be an old lady eating cat food.
Then, when I got a little power… I was driven by anger.. anger at the government, myself, my parents, my partner, all the men that had abused me, the church, God…
It fueled me.. ( I just hesitated to write this and looked up to see the clock just turned 5:55 🙂
Then… I moved into pride. I was self-made. I was a teacher, a healer. I fumbled my way through shedding off the old worthless, welfare identities, healing, and thinking of myself as the leader. The identity of the one who was ahead and needed to help those “behind”. The identity of a wealthy human.
Then… I moved into Willingness.
A willingness to accept a deeper truth within me. A willingness to let the fear and anger die off and hold hope that I could feel the love I desired to feel. I let go. Let life reorganize itself.
The fear got me to focus on others, I LOVED that, but I focused on them in a codependent, anxious way.
The anger got me to DO DO DO… but when I healed, I outgrew the jarring, aggressive, antagonistic energy and craved warmth and gentleness.
As I Accepted all of this, it began to make sense to me why I felt so terrible selling my old programs. I had outgrown the energies in them.
I began shedding old identities and my attachment to things ever so slightly.
My stories of right and wrong.
My attachment to being a survivor of trauma.
My need for others to show up a certain way for me to feel loved or safe.
My stories about what things mean.
I began to see animals and critters so differently. I felt them. Their importance and life.
And this all felt amazing… but I craved MEANING. I felt things so deeply, and understood things I never through capable of understanding. I felt alone out in a galaxy just floating around… not knowing where to go.
It felt like .. without the attachments, without the drama, without the codependency, without the right and wrong… what is left? It all felt rather meaningless.
And it was after a 9-month journey of feeling these deep feelings… feeling one with everything, and feeling like nothing existed at all… feeling alone floating in space… I finally understood.
The only meaning there is, is right now.
Is seeing the soul in front of me.
Is being the soul I am.
The only thing that ever really mattered was being.
It is in the being right now that we have space for LOVE.
Love is gentle and kind.
Love is a deep reverence for each soul and life form.
The two things I had been craving most… warmth, gentleness, kindness, and deep meaning.
I am not the teacher, the healer, the leader.
I am not the wealthy woman.
I am not the badass boss lady
I am not the determiner of right and wrong.
I am not alone in a galaxy.
I am what I am right now.
And who I am after saying this is different than I was in the beginning when I was the woman doubting if I should say this.
I am complete. I am whole. I am divine infinite energy.
I am part of what has always been and will always be.
I cannot be created or destroyed.
I am infinite, alike all life.
I find my safety in staying present to now.
I find my abundance by moving more and more in alignment with what brings me joy and peace.
I find meaning in having deep reverence for YOU
I find joy in knowing all is exactly as it should be and all souls are whole and capable.
I find Peace in the utter obliviousness to anything outside of this knowing. 🙂
All along, I was right on track.
If we could just release the story that something is wrong… this journey becomes a LOT… MORE… FUN.
And if we could trust our feelings MUCH more, we would walk away from the people, places, and things that aren’t a current vibrational match without all the back and forth deliberation. And we would have a lot less messes to clean up LOL
And even then… it’s all exactly as it should be.
I love you,
Thank you for being part of my journey at this moment.
If you find yourself feeling a bit lost as you have grown so fast.. nothing is wrong.
You will outgrow mentors, friends, relationships, and energies.
And you will find more and more of what makes you come to life at each new phase.
There is no rush, there is no need to control.
Everything is working out PERFECTLY, I promise.
If you feel called to work 1:1 with me, just let me know ❤
I love you, so freekin much <3